New Years' Resolutions for Other People. 2019 Edition

Last year I didn't do this and there was a lot of misbehavior here and there.  Not wanting to be responsible for that sort of thing again, here's my helpful 2019 New Years Resolutions for other folks.

Behave yourself out there.

1.  Monica Lewinsky.

Enough already Monica.

Every Presidential election cycle you reappear, to tell us about your sad tale of woe about how you. . . you know. . . and that means you're now haunted by the memory of. . .

Whatever.  Enough's enough.  No more books, television appearances, whatever.  We get it.  You and Bill Clinton . . . you know.

Do something else noteworthy, if you  must be noteworthy, that doesn't involve the Clinton's or . . . you know.  And don't make an appearance in 2019.  At all.

And it isn't actually necessary that you wear a black dress to remind you of your scandal era appearance.  Don't you have a Nick's jersey or something?

2. The New Yorkers.

The Big Apple.  I'm sure there are a lot of great things about New York, the city, and New York, the state, but right now Schumer, Trump and the Times are making all of you look like a bunch of grade school brats. All the loud posturing may do really well there, but the rest of us are wondering if we can swap Guatemala for New York.  Behave yourself and turn the volume down to about two.

Okay, we don't really mean all New Yorkers.

And certainly not the Yankees, our favorite New Yorkers.

But some of you really need to knock it off . . and you know who you are. The New York Times, Donald J. Trump, Chuckles Schumer, whoever your mayor is, Michael Bloomberg and even Bernie Sanders, who is really a New Yorker (yes, Bernie, we know that you are not from Vermont.  We'd even include Hillary Clinton, who is an ersatz New Yorker.  We've had enough of you already.  We get it.  You're bold, you're brash, you're really irritating.

The entire state of the country can be pretty much summed up by the dual temper tantrums of Donald Trump and Chuckles Schumer. Well, enough of it.  Behave and show up in the news as little as possible in 2019.

Like, as little as possible.

You know which ones you are.

The rest of you we're okay hearing from.

3.  Donald Trump.

Don.  Try emulating Franklin Roosevelt, or Theodore Roosevelt.  They were New Yorkers too.

Okay, New Yorker Donald J. Trump, your going into the third year of your presidency.  In addition to not being in some weird New York yelling match with Chuckles this year, act like a President and quit the entire twitter thing and sudden changes in things. And try to make us suspect your in bed with the Russians less.  A little dignity would go a long ways.

4.  Vlad Putin

Ivan the Terrible.  We don't need a Vlad the Terrible.

You aren't the Czar.  Stop acting like one.

And as you claim to be Russian Orthodox, it may be time for a General Confession.  Just saying.

You're coming up on a term limit by the way.  Surprise us all and step down. Russia will be fine without you. . .in fact it would be a lot better.

5.  The Russian Orthodox Church and the Greek Orthodox Church.

It's hard for us who aren't either to tell what this entire schism is about, but we are certain that schism are sinful.  Ponder it and get it patched up, whatever its about.  And then reconsider the 1054 event.  Enough's enough.

6.  The Wyoming Legislature.

Hand off public lands. We mean it.

7.  Miley Cyrus.

We don't care what you are doing. Quit trying so hard to get our attention.

Same for you Lindsay Lohan.

8.  The Wyoming Legislature

See No. 6.  We really mean it.

And while you're out let's cool silly legislation like trying to keep out the "wrong" kind of people from your own particular political party.

9.  The Movie Industry.

Isn't there anything you can make a movie about that isn't a Marvel cartoon?

Seriously, Marvel cartoons cease to be something worthy of consideration when you are about eight years old.  Stop filming them.

10.  The Movie Going Public

Marvel cartoons? Seriously, like, when you are 30?

11.  Hillary Clinton

There's a Presidential election coming up.  Just say no.

12.  Democrats of age 70 and up.

Come on, let the kids have a chance at running things.  Or at least people in their 60s.

13.  Apple

A year without a new Iphone on the horizon.  Give it a try.

14.  Catherine Rampell.

Okay, it's really cute how you are a Princeton grad and the daughter of two Princeton grads and all, but you've been out of school for a decade now.  Time to go get a real job.  Maybe you can go back to writing political opinions when you've actually lived enough to actually have the experience to write.

The Washington Post and the world will still be there.  Go ahead, get some experience for all that writing.

15. Congress

There are people worthy of being on the Supreme Court who haven't gone to an Ivy League school.  You used to appoint them.

Why not give that a try again?

16.  Kim Jong-un

Hey, it's not too late to come out of the Stalinist theme park still looking good.  Take the border controls down and dissolve North Korea before it becomes even more of the freakish Communist experiment gone horribly wrong than it already is.

17.  Brewers

More IPAs are not necessary.

Try a lager or something.

18.  American public

And a final resolution.

American public, sick and tired of a government that isn't working and problems that don't get solved?

Well do something about it. And doing something about it would mean sending people to Congress who really will do something.  Folks who can read the Constitution, have a long sighted view, and who are willing to tell you that you can't have everything you want.